An Attempt at Integration: Part 1- Histories

I currently identify myself as agnostic. That label however is a gross over simplification of the way that God baffles me. In an attempt to cache out what it is I really believe about God, I'm going to run through a bunch of philosophical view points then try to situate myself in relation to them. Before that though, I'll state what I do know about my attitudes towards God.

1. It (God) exists.

2. The major religions have it wrong

Please be informed that this post is not a Dear John to God, nor is it a philosophical treatise, nor a sermon, nor geared at any sort of persuasion of the reader. It's simply an exercise in reflection on my part.

God and I have a very long and tumultuous history. Regular church attendance was a family norm from the beginning of my existence. I became a born-again Christian at around 7 or 8 years old then made a re-dedication of myself when I was about 11 and had a better understanding of what the fuck was going on. I was by no means at any point your stereotypic Christian child though. I was sarcastic, stubborn, lazy, tortured my brother, cursed, lied, stole, masturbated... but I believed and prayed, and asked forgiveness and felt guilt and had some very long nights deep in conversation with "the Lord". I had a lot of questions, questions I knew I shouldn't have if I was believing in the way I was told to.

Then I met some interesting people. People that shared my questions and gave voice to them. Together we created an environment so conducive to exploration that barely a stone was left unturned in my mind by the time I was 18. I still clung to the structure of God and reality that I was taught though I had incredible doubts about it. The foundation was ruined so between my 19th and 21st years, I slowly resolved myself into my current "agnostic" category.

The truth of the matter is that I've just not come to integrate my different scattered opinions on the nature of the Supreme Being into a comprehensive viewpoint. Neither am I fond of the skeptical position. I agree with Hegel that skepticism is a means and not an end. I may adopt a skeptical view of an issue in order to engender doubt and catalyze my journey towards the truth, but to simply become skeptical and call it an end state just feels ridiculous.

I dislike the constant suspenision of judgment, the omninous maybe's and could be's. I can't not believe anything. And I refuse to believe in nothing. I know I believe something. Now I'll force that something into sentences so I can see what it is.